tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central February 13, 2014 1:30am-2:01am PST
[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show, everybody. before we go today the news was for everybody that is in comedy around the world we all lost our grandfather today. here it is your moment of zen. >> 1778 feet. straight down. >> were you badly hurt professor? >> see that? that is the original me. all the rest is new. [ laughter ]
(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to the "report," good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen"). thank you, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks -- thank you, nation, thank you, in here, out there, you know, folks, on nights like this i need that kind of adulation because as you know though i am the leader of the
colbert nation, i am but a passenger on the ocean line over your courage. (cheers and applause) nation, i need your courage tonight because i am boiling with rage. (laughter) today president o'handout signed an executive order raising the minimum wage for government employees to $10.10 an hour! (cheers and applause) yeah, yeah. i'm mad, too. (laughter) what an outrageous waste of my tax dollars and, for the record, the only thing i like about going to the d.m.v. is knowing that the workers are as miserable as i look in my driver's license photo. (laughter and applause) folks -- (cheers and applause) folks, this is just more proof that the president is a wonderful host at -- i'm sorry, is a power mad tyrant. (laughter) and it is time we sent him a thank you note for a lovely
evening -- no! i mean -- (laughter). i mean we sent him a powerful message at the ballot box in november -- (laughter). i'm sorry, folks, i'm just not myself tonight. jim, tell them why. >> the first state dinner of president obama's second term full of a-list celebrities. >> actor bradley cooper and his supermodel girlfriend. mary j. blige, the first openly gay n.b.a. player jason collins and stephen colbert. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: i was at the white house state dinner! (cheers and applause) folks, i've got to tell you, it was a magical evening, okay? here's -- i'll prove it to you. here's the card that tells you what table you're at. there's the white house seal right there. stay on this.
and then table 19, okay, which was a good one, all right? (laughter) here's the little menu right there. (cheers and applause) and then see that? see that? that's a solid gold tassel. (laughter) you can melt down that down, okay? and also, if you don't believe it, i also stole the gravy boat. (cheers and applause) folks, this was the state dinner to be invited to because it was in honor of french president and thoughtful croissant francois hollande. when last we dished on francois' private life la la merde was hitting le fan because he had been caught stepping out on france's first lady, valerie trierweiler who he's not married to who's a second later actress julie gayet. so there was one big question hanging over this dinner.
>> who is going to be bring along as france's first lady? >> when you have a foreign guest, the first lady would be seated next to the spouse. >> as of late last night, organizers here at the white house hadn't even decided who would get that coveted seat, typically reserved for the visiting leader's spouse. >> stephen: so it all came down to who would be seated next to mrs. obama. well, let's see, there's the president and there's francois hollande and there's michelle obama and who's next to her? it's me! (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, i'm the first lady of france! (cheers and applause) merci! (cheers and applause) oh! oh! thank you! merci! oh!
merci, merci! c'est une grande honneur! oh, those flowers were thrown very hard at my face. okay. let me get french here. let me get french here. (laughter) i've got to smoke. and i've got to get my baguette. (laughter) and, of course, i've got to smoke my baguette. (laughter) no, i can't -- i can't get this thing started. anyway. nation, this is so much responsibility. every first lady has her initiative. michelle obama has nutrition and military families. mine will be reviving the guillotine and finally bringing jean valjean to justice! (cheers and applause) no free bread, you criminal! but, nation, my new role as premier duh france will not
impact the report. the show will now be made with more butter and my classic segments will be renamed tromper la mort, enumeration des menace, and coupe de chapeau/remue du doigt. (laughter) folks, the spoel was ten days ago and america is still buzzing over the embarrassingly lopsided victory of bill o'reilly over president obama. (laughter) everybody's talking about it, from bill o'reilly on "the o'reilly factor" to bill o'reilly anywhere there's a camera. >> the whole country continues to digest my interview with president obama. i asked him the tough questions that nobody else-- no one-- has asked him. we asked you to grade my interview with president obama. (laughter) 44% get the interview an "a." i tkpweurpb tee you that what he said "on the road" is now going to be the focus of congressional hearings. we estimated it was watched my
more than a hundred million people, and that's just in the u.s.a. hundreds of millions more seeing it on the worldwide net. big. and pretty much everybody knows it. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes, folks, everybody knows on superbill sunday o'reilly gave the interview of the decade-- in that he will be talking about it for the next ten years. (cheers and applause) and now -- and now folks -- (cheers and applause) a lot of o'reilly fans here tonight. (laughter) and now papa bear is giving us all a chance to own a piece of history. >> my handwritten interview notes signed by me and president obama are being auctioned off. nice unique historical item. this is the original. obviously one of a kind. and we are auctioning it off, opening bid $10,000. (audience reacts) now, i know that's a lot of money but if you would like a beautiful replica of the signed notes it can be yours for a $20 donation to the fisher house.
>> stephen: yes, in an historic move bill's historically auctioning off the historic notes of his historic interview. (laughter) and the winner will then possess evidence of bill's meticulous preparation. from "health care web site?" to "football?" to "how liberal? most liberal?" to "fox news!" (cheers and applause) folks, that last one is just a reminder in case bill forgets where he works. (laughter) plus, these notes were signed by the president but more importantly they were signed by bill o'reilly! everything this man touches is historic. and that's why tonight i'm excited to announce that i'm auctioning my historic bill o'reilly artifact. you see, folks, back in 2007 on an historic night i appeared on "the factor" and bill came on "the report." historians can debate who came out on top, but only one of us came away with
the w the other's microwave obvious. (laughter and applause) folks, what you are looking at -- (cheers and applause) folks, what you are looking at here is the actual microwave oven i stole from bill o'reilly's green room. (cheers and applause) i had to, folks, because this carousel right here? technically makes this a spin zone. that's against the o'reilly constitution. folks, this is the most historically important journalistic microwave since 1977's defrost/nixon. (laughter) of course, i'm a good guy so all proceeds of the microwave oven will go to benefit the yellow ribbon fund which helps injured service members and their families. i was going to take bill's queue and opening the bidding at
$10,000 but after research on ebay i found most six-year-old micrmicrowaves go for about 40 bucks. (laughter) however, this one was used by bill o'reilly himself so we'll start the bidding at $43. (cheers and applause) which is a bargain! which is a bargain when you consider that the keypad on this thing contains more words than bill's entire interview notes. (laughter and applause) plus, the microwave will be signed by me and by bill o'reilly if he signs it. (laughter) please sign it, bill, it's for the troops and their families. oh, and if the auction is too rich for your blood, for $10 you can buy a xeroxed copy -- (cheers and applause)
-- of an actual iphone picture of the microwave. (laughter) everyone of these xeroxes is numbered and signed-- by you. (laughter) all right. i'm also selling -- i'm selling pens. this is a pilot pen and it is still mostly full. (laughter) so if you've gotten a appreciation for history and/or a hot pocket to cook, get those bids in today. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much, folks. ladies and gentlemen it's not like we haven't been here before as a nation or as a congress looking at our debt ceiling and i am furious at john boehner for once again rolling over on the debt ceiling and handing the democrats a clean continuing resolution -- folks, i just want to remind you that i went to the white house state dinner last night! (cheers and applause) okay? i sat next to the first lady and my b.f.f. michelle was radiant in carolina herrera, a very full sky blue floor length gown gathered simply at the waist under a black lace bodice. pow, pow, pow! that is weapons grade, girlfriend! that is weapons grade! send in the peacekeeping troops. (cheers and applause)
and the floral arrangement. irises and bougainvillea, upside down hanging gardens whose individual elements were deconstructed in the table arrangements in individual long flowered hand blown glass vases, to say nothing of the generous branches of cherry blossoms. bravo, bravo, bravo! (cheers and applause) but of course it's not a state bouquet, it's a state banquet. and i've been dying to eat at the white house ever since i begged george bush to invite know one of his hot dog lunches. (laughter) folks, last night's four-course dinner was-- and i can't believe i'm saying this-- better than a hot dog. (laughter) i loved every morsel. i got the menu right here. i loved every morsel of -- you know what? tell them what was on the menu againship. >> american caviar. fingerling potato, quail eggs,
crisp potatoes. that sounds good. second course, the winter garden salad. it's in quotes so that must be a thing on to itself. like that's a main thing that description because it's in quotes. that's why it's in quotes i'm assuming. then mixed radish, merlo lettuce. that sounds very good. main course, dry aged rib eye beef, jasper hill farm blue cheese, charred shallots, oyster mushrooms and braised chard. and this is the dessert menu. hawaiian chocolate malted ganache. i'm sure the president, you know, from hawaii and vanilla ice cream and tangerines. tangerines are very good right now. >> stephen: oh, yes, they were very good last night! thank you,ship, for that installment of your award winning segment "reading a menu." (laughter) nation, no one, no one, no one on television in the news has more in-depth coverage of white house food than shep smith. why, you ask? the answer?
because shep. >> kitty cat, meow, a thousand dollars. snooki's pregnant. >> stephen: folks, last night-- last night was not his only dramatic interpretation of a white house menu. he had been covering the presidential pantry for some time now. in fact, on the day of the state of the union he was invited to the white house for lunch and was the only one with the courage to ask the tough question "are you gonna finish that roll?" >> there is no better food on planet earth than what comes out of that white house kitchen. here is the menu. they had winter lettuces with shaved vegetables. they had honeyed pecans in there. the other thing that came with this was a reggian know crisp and it turns out that's like a crack we are air holes in it and it takes like cheese. man, i don't know what it was but the entree was dry aged piedmontese beef. what is that? it's from the piedmont region of
italy. the ka *fls are born fawn in color. it comes with a shallot jous, like an au jous. i'm assuming that's an au jous that shallots have been infused in it. there were four pieces of piedmont ease beef. and root vegetables. what kind of root vegetables did they serve with that? (laughter) >> um -- >> little bitty pearl onions and what else came with it? i wrote it down. >> radishes. >> i wrote it down. (laughter) >> squash, pearl onions and these terrific greens, i don't know what they were. this is what they served today. this is louie chardonnay from napa, a 2012. there's sorbet on the side so i looked over to see what diane sawyer was doing and shing a actually ate hers later but people were using their forks. i use mid-fork and when i tried
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>> stephen: thanks for coming on. i've been watching your films for many years, haven't seen one in a while. for those who don't know, you are the writer, director and producer whose first was "koyaanisqatsi." followed by "powqatsi." >> perfect. >> stephen: your new film is called "visitors." thank you for that. (laughter) before we get to "visitors" let's talk about your ao *uf a f i may be so bold. being the first lady of france -- (laughter). your films often had lots of quick camera shots, accelerated time lapse and phillip glass. >> indeed. >> stephen: friend of the show. okay, what is "visitors"? is in the the same tradition? >> it's in the same tradition in
that it's a speechless narrative. but -- >> stephen: i'm sorry, what is that? >> a speechless narrative is like watching a painting. paintings can speak to you if you stand in front of them. >> so the paint canning speak to you? >> indeed. >> stephen: like in harry potter? >> let's show the first clip right here.
>> stephen: i'm sorry, i should have said "spoiler alert -- gorilla." was that actually a gorilla? >> that's the gorilla in the bronx zoo. >> how did you get it so still? what was your banana budget for that? (laughter) how did you get it so still? >> well, because the gorilla is still and our job was to not see a gorilla if we had shot in africa because then they spend $30 million to make it look like africa. we took the background out of the gorilla and put her in the blackground and now the gorilla's looking at you. >> stephen: well, and the other part of the film, jim, just roll this part. don't put the sound, i want to talk over it for a second. this next clip you've got here, now you've got shots of these kids, that kid kind of looks like a gorilla. (laughter) looking at us. >> yes. >> stephen: and a lot of the rest of the movie, there's no
dialogue but a lot is stillness, still shots of people. it's film but it's filming of stillness. why did you think that we needed -- why did you need to show us things not happening to a large degree? (laughter) >> well, there's a lot happening in it, actually. all of these people -- what's missing in what you're looking at is the screen that they're looking at. and they're gaming, basically. >> stephen: so that's the face of a kid playing a video game? >> yes, so what you see is all of the expressions of their faces. this is how we look when older people like myself watch television, we drool. (laughter) when kids -- (audience reacts). >> stephen: really? >> i watch it all the time. >> stephen: do you drool? >> yes, indeed. >> stephen: how old are you? >> 74. >> stephen: i'm 49. when do i start drooling? (laughter) well, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: godfrey reggio. the film-- or not film-- is
have o'hare party repair install new tostitos fajita scoops and queso blanco dip. these chips have red peppers you can actually see. mmm! [ male announcer ] no wonder they taste like fajitas. tostitos. bring the party. [ male announcer ] no wonder they taste like fajitas. ♪ (cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, that's it for "the report," everybody.